Just a Helpless Chick

I felt such frustration at the gym the other day when completing two miles on the elliptical was a suddenly a monumental feat. Sometimes I have wings on my feet, but at other times, exhaustion wraps itself around me like a blanket made of chain mail. It's plagued me since I was 24 and my thyroid rebelled (i.e. went berserk and then quit altogether, thanks to radioactive iodine). On occasion, it's a struggle to lift my hands to the steering wheel and drive. This "thorn in my flesh" has caused me to cancel plans and miss out on things that mean a lot to me. Example: last winter, when I realized I couldn't be in the Clarksville Christmas parade with Kenny because I could barely function, I cried like an 8-year-old.

The exhaustion is far less debilitating than it used to be, and for that I'm very grateful. I've learned how to listen to my body and give it what it needs: consistent but moderate exercise, B12 injections, sufficient sleep, real food. I'm much stronger than I used to be but the fatigue still resurfaces, and the frustration along with it: What's the deal? I have things to do! Lots and lots of them! 

God is so patient with me as I fume and grumble.

Eventually, I always remember the lesson He taught me a long time ago. Back when the bouts of fatigue first started, I had a particularly bad afternoon and barely made it home from a meeting. As I sank onto the bed, the whole situation hit me hard. I was confused; I'd been asking God to heal me and it hadn't happened. It almost felt like He was crushing me with His own hand. My frustration had reached the point of anger, and I needed someone to blame. Suddenly I was practically yelling: "You've got me right where You want me, don't You?"

Before the last word was out of my mouth, I was diving beneath the covers. I had a healthy fear of God and was shocked at my own audacity. But lightening didn't strike. Instead, I heard God more clearly than I'd heard Him for a while. He said, "Yes, I do have you right where I want you: hopelessly, helplessly needful of Me."

Oh.

A zillion times, I've chewed on what God told me that day. He knows that the modern-day woman wants (even expects) things to go a certain way. He knows we really despise being utterly dependent, much less having to slow down for five minutes. But He also knows that we're way too quick to assume that we've got it all together without those bumps in the road (and yes, those massive craters) that remind us of three things: 1) without Him, we're absolutely without hope, 2) without Him, we're absolutely helpless, and 3) we're absolutely needful of Him at every moment.

When we're desperate for Him, we're right where we need to be.

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